the mad ox

cords not bricks

2011-11-27T15:45:00.000-08:00

we sabotage our
sisters on purpose
to ruin
the order fold by
making it something
so worse
and meanwhile we

connect ourselves.
ready for the fall

it's summer here
next week.

not dead yet

2011-11-23T12:15:00.000-08:00

QUEERS - connecting regardless of gender, without the mission of procreation, beyond monogamy - bring connection, community, family, sharing, personal connection, liberation!

Bigotries - racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, classism, ageism - try to oppress our liberation.
Barriers to each other - borders, prisons, dis-ease of disease, restricting healthcare, money for service - try to oppress.
Features of capitalism - marriage, wage labor, consumerism - try to oppress.
We live with our oppressors and change and change and change and mutate to something and resist, resist resist, and move ever towards liberation.

Throw whatever you want at us! We have always been here, We will always be here, we are always becoming stronger.

image source: scottycruz.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/christopherstreetliberationdaynyc_21.jpg

LOVESTRUCK,

2011-11-17T14:11:00.000-08:00

not color blind.

as a anti-imperialist + humanist + christian + a leftist...remain consistent, even though it gets lonely.

faithful, until i die, to struggle for poor people.

2011-11-16T17:42:00.001-08:00

2 cops knock on the door. i shall exit.

what do we resist who do we resist how

2011-11-11T13:27:00.000-08:00

In Seattle, there's a meal program closing on November 18th because "tough economic times will caust the meal program to cease operation." The full article from Real Change (Nov 9-15, 2011) is here.

The meal program seems like they have everything they need to continue the program. There is food. There is a place to distribute the food. There are people who distribute the food. In short, "the volunteer desire and the food supply exist to keep it open: 'What they need is someone to help fund it.'" I want to consider and question the importance of funding.

There is a paid manager. It's important to pay people with with money. It's especially important to choose people for paid labor who are discriminated against when seeking employment. It's important to have money to be able to give it to others.

The meal program "has to pay" utilities. They "have to pay" for use of the property. I believe that this is a mistake.

The program is seeking help in the form of money---they believe that the program has closed because a lack of funding. They are seeking financial help because they believe that the program's problems would be solved if they had more money.

I suggest that the program exists because there isn't enough money/resources. The volunteers show up and food is shared in order to help people who do not have the right money + resources to get what they need to survive.

I suggest that seeking "help" needs a different frame and focus. The program's primary purpose could be framed as a resistance to being controlled by a lack of money. The group might function as an organizational entity to individuals who are oppressed by not having the right money to do things in the capitalistically-acceptable way. Therefore, there will never be a "lack of funding" because that is the ail that they are seeking to address. Lack of food and shelter are symptoms of that "lack of funding." This program and others would never cancel their work because of a lack of funding. Rather, they are always fighting a lack of funding--that is the work: creating systems/access to resources where people can get what they need regardless of what money + resources they have been given. As non-profits and organizers, we can embody this practice in our work by choosing strategies that resist dependence on monetary funding as the primary source of energy/motivation for our continued involvement in change work.

In the context of the four pillars of social change:
1. education (it's a church...they might teach about that. also, food preparation and distribution. how to provide housing advocacy.)
2. direct services (food! shelter!)
3. policy change (creating alternatives to participating in the predominant financial system. Could be that they challenge property laws, or to collectivize public utilities.)
4. mobilization/power!

WHO ARE YOU.WHOWHOWHOWHO

2011-10-21T00:04:00.000-07:00

art by Darryl Harry. or maybe Airy.

Just a note to my self about what happened tonight.

Also, an album by Yacht who opened for Robyn tonight. They say on myspace that they are NOT A CULT.

Too bad.

sawyer v. hussein

2011-09-26T15:45:00.001-07:00

i was watching an interview of diane sawyer on the oprah winfrey network show: master class. sawyer was discussing her interview of saddam hussein. he cited, as justification of his dictatorial rulership, the united states preventing whole populations from political participation and freedom. sawyer was aghast, couldn't believe that hussein could be so disillusioned as to believe that the united states would cause that kind of harm to its citizens. sawyer identified hussein as delusional, blinded by his position and power, narcissistic, out of touch with reality. when i was watching this interview with sawyer, i was aghast by the blindness of sawyer, and the perpetuation of the idea that there is such a government that is free of abuses of power and abuses of people, using racism to vilify the actors/actions of some governments, while praising others.

since we have gone "this far" and have moved towards internationalism, will we have to go all the way? or will we be able to work together as cooperating nations?

2011-09-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

quiet time

agree disagree

2011-05-02T00:50:00.000-07:00

"I do not hate liberals (in fact, I do not even mind gays that much - just keep it in the bedroom please, most have zero desire to listen to it). I mean really, a (w)hole "lifestyle" around what you prefer in the bedroom?"

you could have found me if you wanted

2011-03-15T12:34:00.001-07:00

there's this trans person i was following loosely--I came across her one night and then again outside of a shelter and randomly about town i see her around. once i was with another client and she was eager to have my contact info so we could work together to find permanent housing. i keep my eyes out for her.

we were on the bus together today so when we got off i caught up with her. i asked her if she had a case manager and wondered if i could give her my contact information so we could talk about permanent housing.

she said she was on the top of the list at a new building that will rent to her. then she asked me how long ago i had met her (3 months i made up) and then she said, well see, if you had wanted to find me before then you could have. then she left.

oh humility, remind me that i am not a savior.

i think you'd know if i thought i would call

2011-03-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

absolutely beautiful today:
sunny

and it seems like spring is really happening
i haven't seen any explosives

cherry trees so innocent
they stay on that
they blink

recon one sunday,
get a lot
you are having a california beach

this is repetitive

2011-02-25T16:20:00.000-08:00

It feels so 80's or early 90's to be political
Where are my friends?

live from the free zone

2011-02-24T09:36:00.000-08:00

http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2011/02/22/were-killing-everybody-we-can-seattle-police-declare

this is enough!

2011-02-08T15:52:00.000-08:00

morer

2011-02-01T10:08:00.000-08:00

i have seen some trans people

at the beach in skinny bikini tops and towels making them skinnier.

walking black gloriously down the street in a one piece. tall shoes making them taller, big hair making them bigger. if i thought we shared a smile it's because we both walk that way and see it, making us both seers.

crossing the street in a wrapped around coat for warmth making them safer, all black making them blacker

i imagine everyone is trans and manufacture their trans histories.

and now i see them in every place i go. beautiful trannies, making them more beautiful.

just like those straights

imagining, manufacturing for us straight lives, making us straighter.

ii.

walking down the street with a rolling suitcase, a two piece royal blue suit and suede heels.

homeless is just a state of mind.

homeless is a state just like washington.

no such thing as making them more washingtoner.

iii.

trans is just a state of mind.

like the state of gender and genderhood.

let's go to the genderhood.

aw, let's not and say we did, there are so many transsters there, can't we just hang out at home?

iv.

that's what it's gonna be like when my imagination takes over the world

and becomes manifest magination.

Donnie "Big Black Buck"

2011-01-20T13:42:00.000-08:00

everyday is the/this/that day

2011-01-19T11:23:00.000-08:00

Tense Moment
In this photograph, Coretta is upset with her husband, who had been attacked the night before by a disturbed white racist but had not defended himself. Though the police urged King to press charges, he refused. "The system we live under creates people such as this youth," he said. "I'm not interested in pressing charges. I'm interested in changing the kind of system that produces such men."

link from sister

my queer hero

2011-01-18T12:25:00.000-08:00

if he is a traitor, to what is he traitorous?

support bradley manning here.

Obama masters alliteration, appoints Daley...

2011-01-07T10:15:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON - President Barack Obama named veteran political manager William Daley to be his new chief of staff today, selecting a centrist with Wall Street ties to help navigate a newly divided Congress and a looming re-election. "Few Americans can boast the breadth of experience that Bill brings to this job" Obama told reporters in the East Room as Daley, 62, stood at his side.

just read little brother

2010-12-30T11:59:00.001-08:00

did gift shopping through the internet
used the postal service to deliver the packages
from stores where i am sent to local addresses
next time i'll use the landline and call in my orders
mail a check

this.is.real:

2010-11-07T00:56:00.001-07:00

dear katy perry,
love your new song
saw you on proactiv commercial
let's hang out
and be anonymous
happy witching hour
xoxo

i felt like destroying something beautiful

2010-11-05T19:05:00.000-07:00

not a corporation. not for profit.

the day after the election

2010-11-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

tea party=christian america

COINTELPRO

2010-10-27T15:40:00.000-07:00

second call

2010-10-19T10:36:00.001-07:00

my mom just called my phone and it rang to my computer where i have my email account open and we talked. she is in taiwan and i am in seattle. so cool!

this phone service... rings to my house and rings to my email simultaneously maybe? transcribes my messages and accepts texts.

this system is working for me today.

canceled cell phone

2010-10-18T22:51:00.000-07:00

cell phone cut out at 11:30 pm of 15 October this year--three days ago--thirty minutes before schedule. not sure i'll call for the credit to my account. how much is thirty minutes worth? does it matter if i was in need of phone service at that time or not? if it were a fee just for access to service (regardless of use) i guess it would be...

$57 / 43 400min = $0.0013/min

fifty seven dollars divided by forty three thousand, four hundred minutes (in a thirty-one day month) means like little more than a tenth of a cent per minute. so for that thirty minutes, my former phone service provider owes me...

**$0.0013/min * 30min = $0.0394**

almost four cents.

math majors, right?

decided to forgo. paying them the usual fifty seven plus the one time two hundred for a total dissolution of our contract. yeah, that's..

$57 + $200 = $257

right? math majors? that's some major fucking math, majors.

so there's me alone in a strange city without a phone from there on. shit i leave my phone at home all the time, decide that i won't go with it for a night or a weekend. it's not as if i'm one of those (who do exist) that has never lived without a cell phone. so it's not as if i haven't developed the skills to live a life without personal mobile phone access. my world experience started before the internet landed.

i'm moving lightyears ahead. i have a home phone and internet access at home and work. i mean i have a job too.

still, strange city, walking around without personal access to mobile phone service (pamps), i was like a zombie alone. is that how it's like for them outside civic center? i was guilty for not calling (i'm sorry i didn't call) and lonely. (a world full of strangers,) i let you down, i so disappointed.

2010-10-09T00:24:00.000-07:00

it's just that we've been
already
through so much heart ache

wealthy poor and a fair society

2010-10-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

direct action

2010-09-08T18:15:00.001-07:00

all operators of vehicles with horns agree to hold their horns down until the demand is met. all pedestrians blow whistles until the demand is met. buy out all the ear plugs and give them only to people who are blowing. this is called an embargo.

bus riders, on every ride, speak out loud: last week five people were killed by cops in the past week in washington state. people are rallying to hold the individual cops accountable, but why stop there? we say: disarm the police. end policing all together. the city belongs to those who live in it.

wheat paste wherever you can. make posters that no one knows you made. don't talk about it. wonder about the surveillance of facebook. question private property laws. ask why wealthy land owners aren't doing the same.

cross streets with leisure regardless of the light. the land belongs to our feet. avoid cars, they are violent. avoid cops, they are violent.

alternative to individually owned cell phones

2010-08-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

the way cell phone culture could work:

individual operators would maintain a service like a taxi cab maintains a car. they would just walk around (like cabs drive around) and you would pay/tip them to use their phones.

it would be cheap at first. you would develop relationships with good phone carriers in your neighborhoods, by your work. at your job, you might be privileged enough to have a phone in your office.

bigger companies would offer phone stations like atms. you could pick up your messages anywhere. (see: pay phones)

get there by sharing phones. sure you can borrow my phone, i mean all the minutes are free anyway.

eventually sharing will lead to individual operators will lead to larger operators until we get phone companies again because the individual cell phone operator will go the way of making money rather than keeping a community of sharers, that is, if we stick to capitalism.

we each get darker

2010-08-10T16:10:00.000-07:00

crossed the street two ways in front of a cop in its car while it sat. cars wait for people. cops watch.

my ears burn. i realize i have little to worry about.

i passed a person sitting on private property with three bags (two white plastic and one dark cloth) rolling a cigarette with a red midnight special roller.

if i had sat down

the cop would have stopped, for i would have drawn attention to this person.

this person who is oppressed was being stalked by the cop. i see this.

the cop will stop regardless. i will stay and watch.

i will get in trouble.

i will get us in trouble.

there is trouble.

free stuff

2010-06-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

there was an open shoe box with lightbulbs in it on the side of the road.
i took two. one was one with a bulb with a width the same as

what is the size of something without a standard
the width of three fingers, the length of a pine cone, the width of an iphone

what is an iphone? does everyone use one?

how to write about the size of something without a standard?
how to share without an understanding

i found lightbulbs (things that give light) and i took some using hands (this thing i have two of (two

what is two/are hands how would i know if didn't

divinity

2010-04-30T10:39:00.001-07:00

i sent a check to a collection agency.

their post office box number is 666.

bumper stickers

2010-04-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

i used to have a 1992 subaru legacy station wagon. it was the nineties. i had stickers on it: a couple of rainbows, a powerbar advertisement, a lacrosse team sticker, one sticker that said righteous and another one matching it that said babe (if you know what i mean, then you know what i mean), some sticker about rugby (though mostly i just went to the parties), maybe one about the indigo girls, probably some random ornamental things like a ray gun or something. you remember the nineties. i had been gay for a while already and getting a car meant that i could finally join the visible ranks of queers driving cars. one of my favorite activities as a kid was to find a car that had some gay sticker on it and look at its occupants and have a daydream about what would happen if i was friends with them. so having a identifiable car meant that finally other people would recognize me! would they adopt me as their gay child? save me from living with straights? i'm still queer, and i have some friends now. i think some of them are straight.

now all i wanna know is:

what happened to the bumper sticker

look around. there are, like, no cars that have been adorned by stickers in any way (or by anything else for that matter.) or they might have one sticker placed "tastefully" on the corner somewhere, like they're branding themselves; i donate money to public radio; i support the troops; i listen to this band. i'm this kind of person. i'm that. i'm not any kind of person. i just drive a jetta. i just drive a toyota. i'm a honda driver. i drive an suv, i can escape the city and go off roading any time i want.

even the gay cars are plain now. used to be you were gay you put a big rainbow on your car. now you don't put anything. or you might put a sticker from a gay company like the hrc (you know those two yellow bars on a dark blue background.)

what!! is that the only way to be gay?!?

why is this happening? i'm no salesperson for bumper stickers, so tell me what is going on!

do we think our cars are statements all on their own?

are we scared to take a stand beyond who we voted for in the last presidential election?

has the power of visibility faded? did bumpers stickers ever work?

is everyone leasing their new car so they don't want to mess it up? or waste their best stickers?

has individuality faded into the nineties in favor of mass marketing and homogeneity?

and what is up with getting a shrink wrap on your car of an advertisement!

tell me what the backlash will look like.

flee things

2010-03-31T23:45:00.001-07:00

i have been trying making space available for people i work with to meet up once a week. last week a guy asked if he could have one of the pens that we'd used to take with him and i said sure, i guess. and then this week i was assembling everything to take it into the room, running short on time, i had to go to get more pens only a few more left in everyone's stash. i put the pens out and started the group by adding let's not take a bunch of pens this time last time i got in trouble (with myself.) next week i think i might say, have all the pens you want i take it all back.

consider queer as a code of conduct

2010-03-01T14:27:00.000-08:00

i'm going be on a trans panel at a local university next week. i want to talk about what it means to be queer on a social and political level, as a category of politics and intents one chooses to live by when they choose to be queer. i want to be a narrative that encourages recruitment. i hope we all become queers. i think it's an open group, that is defined by behavior, that is governed by intent. i'm not quite sure what i plan to say at the panel, so here are some of my current thoughts about being queer..

queers look people in the eye and say hello, smile, all of these things that bridge distances. it's a powerful thing to do.

queers can feel scared and choose it anyway.

living in opposition to standardization is queer.

avoidance of voluntary forms of state registration is queer.

vancouver 2010

2010-01-25T16:04:00.000-08:00

i went to vancouver, british columbia this last weekend. there are people there who walk around who seem like they don't have stable housing, money and resources. there are people standing outside waiting to get into buildings like the salvation army and there are people around who generally seem to be participating in non-normative ways. people are homeless. people are on chemicals in public and they're not at a bar. people are trying to make a dollar drawing portraits of people who are in bars. i paid five dollars for one. was it equitable? how does a question like that get answered? people are wearing clothes that they didn't choose. people are missing teeth, they have some different hair. someone traveling from seattle was struck by how many of these people they saw teeming in the downtown neighborhood where we were. i considered the the safety of my belongings in that biodiesel car we were able to drive through the border using our passports. i started to think about how there are these people in seattle and where to find them.

i wonder if visitors to seattle see what we saw in vancouver. perhaps they would see it differently than my friends or i might. we live in seattle all the time. i wonder if that means i learn how to see things in this city where i live in a way that eliminates certain factors. like: if i never walked down third avenue downtown i would never know that people are walking around in shoes that are too big without socks, or that people have really tangled hair in thick strands growing from their heads and from their faces. or i wouldn't see that woman who eats everything and sits on the side walk all the time and she looks like she's melting into the ground. i mean all the time. i wouldn't see people milling about waiting for doors to open for them, doors to close on them. if i never walked down second avenue, i wouldn't know that there's a sidewalk that's a shelter over flow. is this on purpose? what if they allowed it on purpose? what if [the government] allowed people to live in these spaces rather than just decriminalizing it? or under the viaduct where people make a dollar hustling parking. or anywhere everywhere all the time.

do people notice things in their familiar surroundings in the same ways that they notice things in new surroundings? are there ways to be a part of our world(s) that don't filter out important information? is this information important?

tele prompt

2010-01-20T12:30:00.000-08:00

Sprinkle Sweetness with a Little Boost of Fiber

2010-01-18T11:16:00.000-08:00

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Watch the fiber add up! One gram of fiber per packet adds up quickly -- imagine two packets in your favorite morning coffee and one sprinkled on your whole grain cereal – that’s three more grams of fiber just at breakfast!

tgif

2010-01-15T15:22:00.001-08:00

tell me what it means when i hand a woman five dollars and she's holding a sign about being pregnant and needing money to pay to get into a shelter and i'm pretty sure she's not pregnant and last time we were on the bus together she really wanted drugs and most of the shelters in seattle don't require payment for entry.

i think it means i'm judging her and that i don't have that five dollars anymore.

it's not a race

2009-12-14T15:04:00.000-08:00

a guy i work with met me for lunch last week.

"chicken teriyaki, ranch," he ordered.
"i'll have the same," i said and out came chicken with teriyaki sauce on a bed of white rice with iceberg lettuce floating in a sea of ranch. he's about three times my size and growing on account of his medication. i put my last bite away just moments before him. i win!
when it came time to pay i said, "no, i got it," and added an excuse for it.

"i just got paid."
he said, "oh, thanks, i'll get it next time."
"sounds great."
regardless of who pays for what next time that's not really what it's about. i mean, it's nice to be able to offer that and mean it and to be forgiven when you can't do it. can i be mad at someone for wanting to share?

i'm practicing forgiveness. like loan forgiveness. imagine if sallie mae called me out of the blue to say, "we're gonna pick up the tab this month, so don't worry about it," and then i could say, "oh, thanks, i'll get it next month!" and they really ARE broke, right?

i'll buy my guy lunch if he's short on cash. or we'll go dutch. i mean, i don't get paid everyday. besides, it's probable he'll push an expensive steak on me. who's to say who's richer anyway, i just get more cash more often.

plus, why am i making all these provisional plans for when he doesn't buy me lunch when he hasn't even not bought me lunch yet?? i'm pretty sure that's classist.

back to work!

there's no winning for losing

2009-11-23T10:41:00.000-08:00

i passed a tranny last night at jackson/14th/12th/rainier. they were dressed in dark. dark clothes, dark face, dark hair, dark street and alone. i turned my music volume low, preparing to roll around, window down, to pick them up and take them where they are going. i'll take any of us where we need to go in the safety of a car. it's safer, i swear. the streets are dark and we are a dark people and, like two wrongs, we are alight.

how will it ever change if we are escorted out of fear in the safety of secrecy or if we are killed in the night, beacons to the wicked. no winning. no rest.

snafu

2009-11-06T12:43:00.001-08:00

recently a friend talked to me about an appointment that they had in public with hir client. ze just

turned off my personal response to her content, and just let her be mentally ill in public. without acting out any judgment about it.

my client was talking about all the foreigners who ruin seattle

particularly "the asians"

and saying that she only likes black people

and talking about reagan's policies towards people from nations outside the us. she was just talking about how people from other countries shouldnt be able to get on welfare because it's not fair

to fund their "bad behavior"

as for the onlookers some people were very clearly working hard to look away from her

some people seemed to look at her, assess that she was probably mentally ill and then look away

the onlookers were secretly saying, you say everything we secretly believe is true and you sound absolutely off your rocker. so if i say those things, people will think i'm nuts. so i'm going to pretend that you don't exist and then you will start to not exist until you don't exist. and then my thoughts won't exist and i can be comfortable.

i project, forgive me. i wasn't even there.

i had a mcdonalds lunch today with a guy who used to be the janitor at my old job and has since lost a job, an apartment, gotten a dog, a backpack and a forehead tattoo of an encircled star. at the hand-off counter, the woman was holding our bag of cheeseburgers. my friend couldn't get to them, like the woman was dangling the bag just out of his reach, policing the perceived incongruence between him and the purchased food.

those are ours, i held out the receipt, she held the bags out closer to me, as if she could breach the distance of the counter, and many feet between us without my friend's help. she couldn't. there were, like, eight feet between us.

oh, no, he's with me, i said, stepping closer.

no, you can't take this, it's not yours, she said to him.

no, it's ours. we're together. please give it to him.

really, it's okay.

i need his help because my hands are full, we're eating together, please give it to him. thank you.

two men spoke in chinese about watching us having lunch together, two mismatched cheeseburger eaters, and the state of the world and how people don't spend time together when they appear different, especially in the united states. it's always about the individual, not the collective. they were surprised we were sharing food together. then they reflected on what it meant that they had been surprised to see two people from different class presentations choosing sit together. how, they considered, they had been affected by the american dream and individualism and capitalism.

actually, i didn't understand them at all. and i left the table before my lunch partner was done eating. how rude.

on marriage

2009-10-29T12:12:00.000-07:00

per glee: irresistible

the whole thing

null graff

2009-10-23T16:24:00.000-07:00

"good" boundaries

2009-10-20T13:47:00.001-07:00

part of my job requires that i keep good boundaries with my clients, one of those boundaries being: don't ever give or receive anything tangible like money or goods. i think it's on the premise that it will ruin the therapeutic relationship because it will create ambiguity about boundaries that clients won't be able to renegotiate because they'll be confused about what to expect... how parental and infantilizing.

i was with a woman that just moved into her one bedroom apartment furnished with a few frozen dinners and freshly cleaned carpet. she's been sleeping there for days. and she's going to get her period soon and spent the last of her money on a hotel before she was able to move in (her shelter closed the week before she could move into the new apartment.) she asked my opinion on payday loans. we talked about how it is a bad deal.

but fuck!

so is bleeding on your clothes!

i give other people cash but whenever my clients ask me for money, i cite that i could get in trouble because it's against the rules. obviously it's kind of a big boundary to shift and i'm influenced heavily by the fear that if i do it once i'll have to keep doing it. which is totally my own shit. so i didn't lend/give my client money and i have yet to do that with anyone else i've worked with.

i didn't have money on me when she and i talked about her financial situation. and, actually, i was at the end of my own cash flow anyway (because that's supposed to make me feel better about feeling guilty.) except when she started talking about needing tampons i hedged and said we could go buy them. except that she doesn't "let any man buy me those things." so i said i wasn't a man and she laughed at me. in the end, though, she can get that stuff for free at one of the drop-in centers. the point is that it would be so much cooler if she could just get her needs met in the way that she wants: going to the store alone and buying some bloody tampons.

why is it i feel comfortable handing strangers cash, but not people with whom i have ongoing relationships? at work, i think i'm caught in a personal/professional bind where my job is reinforcing my fucked up fears about intimacy that if i give once i'll have to keep giving forever which would be detrimental in a system of scarcity. except that i don't live in scarcity and i am good at setting boundaries and renegotiating them. and it's not like i have a pervasive fear of being caught for whatnot since i'm constantly breaking rules.

part of it, too, is that i try to be simultaneously as helpful and useless as i can. i would like to work myself out of a job. except, in the current system, that would sort of mean that the people i work with become so adept at navigating this system that they don't need someone to support and guide them through it. that's insane. how can anyone be an expert at navigating a system that's ever fucked up and ever changing? plus, then they'd be spending all their time managing their benefits and that's a crappy job to have for not very much money. in the end, i get paid to do a service that shouldn't even exist in the first place (navigating something dumb that shouldn't even exist in the first place.)

i guess it's kind of a god-complex that if i give someone ten bucks they're going to come to rely on that and not figure out a way to get that desire (for ten effing dollars) met without me (enter: white knight.)

on the other hand, how awesome to be able to borrow money successfully and feel really good about paying someone back. that's basically a lot of what my job is about: corrective emotional experiences. except i keep reinforcing the same experiences over and over again which is that there isn't enough and no one will hand over the exact resource that has the greatest potential to solve what's not working.

i'm not ready to shift this boundary... judge me for it.

stealing

2009-10-17T10:23:00.001-07:00

you cannot steal from the government. in a literal sense: one is not able to steal from the government. it's like stealing your own shoes. i am glad to find that the shoes i am wearing are mine every time i take them for a walk.

whatever is stolen must remain in use.

when my umbrella goes missing at a bar and i decide that i can't afford to walk home without one, i won't steal one with art on it that belongs to a tribe that isn't my own. that's like stealing and wearing a flag from a gang of which i'm not a member. when it comes time to fight, i'm just gonna let them down and get shot. when i tell my friend about it and she says that i'm cursed for having taken it we will talk about xenophobia.

return things when you steal selfishly. define "return" in any way that is not selfish.

steal and eat food that will go bad. feel only less hungry.

when you are stealing from tower records a used sarah mclachlan compact disc and you are seventeen, don't leave the wrapper lying about. if you do, they will ask you about it. when they do that, lie about wanting to look at the cover art and that "it was a really bad choice, i don't even know what i was thinking. i put it back where it came from." then, when they ask you to find it for them, try. then tell them to find the cd themselves and, when they can't, blame their disorganization. don't let them see your leg shaking. and at least try to pick a cooler cd next time.

steal only what you need.

walk home in the rain next time.

october 11: coming out day

2009-10-11T15:25:00.000-07:00

full story

purell: imagine a touchable world

2009-10-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

Fuck Purell.

Today I held hands with Kellie Eileen. For four whole city blocks. She has the warmest hands.

She has the most brilliant blue eyes and hair like Goldie Hawn. Her turquoise fleece, brilliant against her sun red skin.

"I'm drunk. I'm drunk, but I'm walking. Is the welfare this way?"

No, it's the other way. Let's walk it out together. If you can keep up with me, we'll walk together. You need a shoulder? My elbow? How about my backpack strap? That's sturdy. Or, okay, okay, my hand. Okay. You have the warmest hands.

"Baby girl," you say, "Baby girl, God sent you."

No, it ain't that way, we're all on the same path. You look sharp in turquoise, tell me where you stay.

"Baby girl, I'm smart" between liquor slick gums.

You keep falling into me and then away from me, I'm not drunk or I'd fall onto you too. And then we'd be just on the ground.

"I kicked the heroin and now I'm drunk. I'm messed up. I am messed up."

It's okay to drink and be drunk, lover, you're alright. But they might not talk to you at the welfare office. Tell me how long it's been.

"It's been twelve days. I'd rather be drunk than on that stuff."

Well, fuck, you got it then.

"I gave someone my card and told her to take half of it but then she just took the card."

Your food stamp card?? Don't tell them you gave anyone anything.

"I didn't!"

Yeah, lie! You have to lie. Don't tell the truth.

"Yeah, I lied. I am fifty years old, fifty years old and my birthday's May 12th."

You're a Taurus.

"I am!"

I'm a Leo.

"We're really good together, like perfect, Tauruses and Leos. We're like good friends. I got locked up and it was supposed to be for six to nine months and I said, 'NO, lock me up for a year and a day, I want to go to school' and I did and got my GED."

You and me: high five.

Here's the welfare office. We are still holding hands and I look at your bright blue eyes. Here's where I leave you, will you find your way?

"Yeah, I got it. What's your name?"

I didn't tell you yet. What's yours?

"Kellie."

KellieAnn?

"No, Kellie Eileen."

Hmm, Kellie Eileen, it has certainly been nice to meet you, I'm Calvin.

"Thank you, thank you thank you. I'll see you again."

Of course.

"I want to give you a hug."

Then, it's thanks to you, too.

You won't want to miss this one

2009-10-07T12:21:00.000-07:00

evidence the war's been won already:

zombies

2009-10-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to see Zombieland. I think zombies might be further evidence of the dangers of buying into capitalism:

Check out the first listed definition

What do you think that supernatural force is, hmmm??? When I used to work early morning hours, what do you think I would be doing deliriously all afternoon when I finally got off work at one?

Sleeping?? Heck no! It's time to wander around the mall looking for the thing that I need (which, by the way, was usually some water and a nap.) What force would drive me to this end?! What supernatural force could override my need for sleep and sustenance? I was literally dead on my feet, driven by the idea of buying something new.

In the movie, people who were larger (and assumed to consume more) were taken by the zombie virus first. In this zombie model of capitalism, food is the most base form of consumption. Just look at how we treat our food... we take even less care for our food than our possessions. So, according to Zombieland, the more you eat the fatter you'll be, the more likely you are to be a zombie (and more likely to be a dirty capitalist!) And then, because you can never get enough, you eat your friends and make them just like you! While fat-phobic, that's the picture.

Let's talk more about this...

with industrialization, our relationship to food has changed massively. It's not economically viable to work in the kitchen anymore. Everyone better go to work so they can buy food. We've institutionalized the family as a function of capitalism and inserted capitalism as the primary way for families to meet their needs. Taking food as an example, no one expects you to produce food. The correct steps are:

1. have someone with money to buy you food (parents, pimps, the state)

2. go to school (although this step is debatable)

3. find a way to get money

4. get money

5. buy food

6. become someone who buys food for others.

Says one article, "...families provide a major service to the capitalist system by 'reproducing labor,' that is, by preparing adult members for the day-to-day tasks of employment and children for future work roles" so they can buy food, and around and around it goes. Why not skip the middleman and make some food?

Capitalism is consuming the unnecessary parts of the family; the ritual, the caring, the comraderie. It makes a product of all the things we love, claiming to improve it and then sell it back to us. We give up our time, then, to make money so that we can buy something that someone else says is better than we could've done for ourselves. Like, cookies, for example. I could stay home and bake cookies. OR, I could go to work, make money, and buy cookies that "taste like mom's! No trans fats!" I mean, when was the last time I made cookies that I could say those things about? I'm not even sure my mother has ever baked cookies. I'm pretty sure she uses her oven as storage for pots and pans...

Capitalism's strategy for the family is to band them together as an economic unit: file taxes together, drive to the mall in the minivan together, open joint bank accounts, celebrate joy and affection all on Valentine's day, buy a house together, be on the same insurance policies, all the kids go to school and all the parents go to work so everyone can afford to pay for and buy all the things they need to survive capitalism... because life is so much more complicated without this stuff... I mean, I don't even remember the last time I made myself a cookie! But I bought a tasty one at Subway yesterday and it only took a minute (plus the fifty-four cents... which takes me very little time to earn, but what if I had a real soft spot for cakes? or shoes? or driving to work? or paying rent?)

And the solution to being unhappy (i.e. poor, without) is to make more money and work less, except the only way to get there through capitalism to work harder or get a lucky break. Yay for Protestant roots! But I guess this whole conversation is moot. It all just depends on what you believe about life; am I whole and complete simply because I am alive; are people alive to serve a purpose; is one's purpose met through daily activities; are our daily activities governed by a dominant paradigm of capitalism?

What's it gonna be: zombiehood? or freedom? Am I going to eat you or this delicious plate of tacos I made for lunch?

on this sacred day...

2009-10-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

on forgiveness:

on reflection

on being alive:

To be human is to be aware that we are all mortal. We love and are loved. We wish to be understood and we are not... That should be the least of our troubles! On top of everything else, there are all the powers that dominate, exploit and oppress us.

The primary need of life is living. more...

This is how it begins

2009-10-02T09:55:00.001-07:00

I saw the Seattle's paper in the vending box this morning:

and thought, "Oh, wow, they're going to let so many people go!"

Oh, wait, I forgot:

When we close prisons, we actually are sending people to other prisons and then we have TWO PRISONS IN ONE!!! You may find yourself asking, then, why don't we pay people to work? Like, let's pay them for working in a prison.

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